Today, our congregation held it's annual meeting. There was celebration of outreach and ministry coupled with hard conversations surrounding budget and declining attendance. It's not a unique story. In the Lutheran church and other churches, these conversations are happening often.
People asked, Why aren't people in church? Why did they stop coming? What do we need to do to get them back? The questions appeared throughout the meeting popping up in conversations about both budget (More people means more money, right? Not necessarily, but that's a different post) and program.
I can't answer these questions for anyone else, but I can answer two out of three of them in regards to myself because I am often not in church on a Sunday morning. When it comes to the budget conversation, my attendance matters little as our giving is debited from our checking account in order to ensure consistency as I am very aware that the church's costs do not change despite my bumpy attendance record.
I have lots of reasons to be in church on a Sunday morning, perhaps more than your average church-goer. First off, I am married to the pastor. Last week our neighbor skipped service only to come home to find my husband parked in her driveway. It was only because I was passing her house while out for a run and he needed to stop to ask me something. Nevertheless, there was a joke made about the guilt of her missing church only to find the pastor in her driveway. Well, the pastor is always in my driveway after church, and my house and even *gasp* my bed. It's important to our family to be a part of church. It's important for me to support my husband as a congregational leader and to be an active part of the community.
Second, I have my own seminary education that culminated in a Masters in Theology for Outdoor Ministry. I have worked as a camp director, a director of youth and family ministry, and currently serve as president for an outdoor ministry board of trustees. Church, community, and faith development are important to me. Raising children up in faith within the structure of a congregation is important to me. I think that adults, families, and children belong in church. I believe in the importance of corporate worship.
Despite the reasons I should be in church, I am often not. Sometimes it's because of a race I'm running; other times it's because my kids and I are out of town visiting friends or family. But sometimes, it's because I just can't handle it. I am the mother of two small children whose husband is busy during church being pastor. It's hard. It's really hard. It's exhausting and frustrating. Of all the things I do in a week, Sunday worship with my kids is possibly the hardest. It pushes me past the point of good parenting. I find myself feeding the kids snacks I'm not comfortable letting them eat in order to bribe them to sit or growling desperate demands for them to just sit still and listen. Worship brings out the worst in me while everyone watches... because I am, of course, the pastor's wife.
As we look at the church and attendance, I have to look at all those young families who are not at worship and say I get it. If someone as educated about and invested in faith formation and the church community myself struggles to get there, to survive it, and to want to do it again, I can imagine that the family without my background would give up pretty quickly. Something's gotta give. How we are doing church is not working in our culture and time, especially for young families.
Please don't tell me to put the kids in the nursery or to schedule worship during Sunday school, because for me that isn't the answer to solid faith formation and church revival. Worship is supposed to be about the Body of Christ gathering together to share in Word and Sacrament, not simply those in the Body of Christ over the age of eight who are willing to sit and do worship the way we've always done it.
Of course there's another piece of the Sunday morning struggle for me. On top of being a pastor's wife and a mom of two small kids doing the best she can to raise them up in faith, I live with, fight with, and attempt to survive depression and anxiety. Some weeks I simply can't face church. I can't face the struggle with the kids. I can't face the chit chat and the pretending-to-be-fine when inside I'm in so much pain I just want to crouch in a corner and sob. I can't face the numbness, going through the motions of worship without feeling a damn thing, wondering if I'll ever feel again. As someone whose faith has always been an integral part of her life, through both ups and downs, it is terrifying to sit in church and feel a complete and total disconnect between myself and God.
And that's why I'm not in church every Sunday. It's not because I don't want to be there. It's because it's just too hard sometimes. I want church to be a healing place, a place where I feel accepted, supported, and safe. I want worship to be somewhere that I show up for the good and the bad, because I know worship isn't just about me and my needs or even those of my kids, but for right now I just can't do it. That's my story. I'm sure everyone's story is a little different, but as a church, we need to find a way to listen to those stories and figure out how we can be the church together despite our brokenness. I don't know how we do it, but I'm thankful for a God who accepts us in all our brokenness, even when we can't do church. I am thankful for a God who I'm sure is still out there even if I can't find that God these days.
Edited to add - this is not about my church, my congregation. This about the larger Church and the way we do Church, combined with what it means to live as both a pastor's wife, a mom of 2 young children, and someone fighting depression. Our congregation is filled with loving, faith-filled people excited to serve the community and support each other. I am thankful for that. But, it doesn't change everything written above.
People asked, Why aren't people in church? Why did they stop coming? What do we need to do to get them back? The questions appeared throughout the meeting popping up in conversations about both budget (More people means more money, right? Not necessarily, but that's a different post) and program.
I can't answer these questions for anyone else, but I can answer two out of three of them in regards to myself because I am often not in church on a Sunday morning. When it comes to the budget conversation, my attendance matters little as our giving is debited from our checking account in order to ensure consistency as I am very aware that the church's costs do not change despite my bumpy attendance record.
I have lots of reasons to be in church on a Sunday morning, perhaps more than your average church-goer. First off, I am married to the pastor. Last week our neighbor skipped service only to come home to find my husband parked in her driveway. It was only because I was passing her house while out for a run and he needed to stop to ask me something. Nevertheless, there was a joke made about the guilt of her missing church only to find the pastor in her driveway. Well, the pastor is always in my driveway after church, and my house and even *gasp* my bed. It's important to our family to be a part of church. It's important for me to support my husband as a congregational leader and to be an active part of the community.
Second, I have my own seminary education that culminated in a Masters in Theology for Outdoor Ministry. I have worked as a camp director, a director of youth and family ministry, and currently serve as president for an outdoor ministry board of trustees. Church, community, and faith development are important to me. Raising children up in faith within the structure of a congregation is important to me. I think that adults, families, and children belong in church. I believe in the importance of corporate worship.
Despite the reasons I should be in church, I am often not. Sometimes it's because of a race I'm running; other times it's because my kids and I are out of town visiting friends or family. But sometimes, it's because I just can't handle it. I am the mother of two small children whose husband is busy during church being pastor. It's hard. It's really hard. It's exhausting and frustrating. Of all the things I do in a week, Sunday worship with my kids is possibly the hardest. It pushes me past the point of good parenting. I find myself feeding the kids snacks I'm not comfortable letting them eat in order to bribe them to sit or growling desperate demands for them to just sit still and listen. Worship brings out the worst in me while everyone watches... because I am, of course, the pastor's wife.
As we look at the church and attendance, I have to look at all those young families who are not at worship and say I get it. If someone as educated about and invested in faith formation and the church community myself struggles to get there, to survive it, and to want to do it again, I can imagine that the family without my background would give up pretty quickly. Something's gotta give. How we are doing church is not working in our culture and time, especially for young families.
Please don't tell me to put the kids in the nursery or to schedule worship during Sunday school, because for me that isn't the answer to solid faith formation and church revival. Worship is supposed to be about the Body of Christ gathering together to share in Word and Sacrament, not simply those in the Body of Christ over the age of eight who are willing to sit and do worship the way we've always done it.
Of course there's another piece of the Sunday morning struggle for me. On top of being a pastor's wife and a mom of two small kids doing the best she can to raise them up in faith, I live with, fight with, and attempt to survive depression and anxiety. Some weeks I simply can't face church. I can't face the struggle with the kids. I can't face the chit chat and the pretending-to-be-fine when inside I'm in so much pain I just want to crouch in a corner and sob. I can't face the numbness, going through the motions of worship without feeling a damn thing, wondering if I'll ever feel again. As someone whose faith has always been an integral part of her life, through both ups and downs, it is terrifying to sit in church and feel a complete and total disconnect between myself and God.
And that's why I'm not in church every Sunday. It's not because I don't want to be there. It's because it's just too hard sometimes. I want church to be a healing place, a place where I feel accepted, supported, and safe. I want worship to be somewhere that I show up for the good and the bad, because I know worship isn't just about me and my needs or even those of my kids, but for right now I just can't do it. That's my story. I'm sure everyone's story is a little different, but as a church, we need to find a way to listen to those stories and figure out how we can be the church together despite our brokenness. I don't know how we do it, but I'm thankful for a God who accepts us in all our brokenness, even when we can't do church. I am thankful for a God who I'm sure is still out there even if I can't find that God these days.
Edited to add - this is not about my church, my congregation. This about the larger Church and the way we do Church, combined with what it means to live as both a pastor's wife, a mom of 2 young children, and someone fighting depression. Our congregation is filled with loving, faith-filled people excited to serve the community and support each other. I am thankful for that. But, it doesn't change everything written above.
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